Birdie and the Tax Man

For the past three weeks, Birdie had been jumping through hoops like a circus dog. Struggling to understand the undecipherable instructions, she prayed that her inability to comprehend wouldn’t land her in prison. And the deadline was moving faster than she was.

Birdie was filling out reports on her computer –one of the requirements for the annual IRS tax ritual for small businesses. She noticed that in the instructions, there was a note under the subheading–Paper Reduction Act, with an estimate of how long it should take the average person to complete each form. Birdie thought the estimate sounded a bit optimistic, and she was sure they hadn’t factored in actually reading the instructions. She wondered how they had arrived at that estimate. Had a real person been their test dummy? Perhaps, someone from the IRS had tacked a help wanted flyer on a telephone pole in an economically challenged neighborhood.

Wanted:   Person to test the model for on-line IRS report. Unfamiliarity with tax language a plus. Must exhibit a lack of self-confidence when dealing with computers, and a general ineptness at doing anything in which accuracy counts. If checking a box marked SUBMIT causes you to break out in a cold sweat, you may be just the one we are looking for.

To apply:  Please fill out the application form at submit to the IRS.

You can save the information typed in this form. This form is downloadable. However, do not send the downloaded version of this form as it is not scannable. A significant fine will be levied for forms that are not compatible with SSA scanning requirements. Please see SSA Requirements for Scannable Documents-Instructions Form 2HRD. (Translation:  We are being purposely obscure so that if a mistake is made we can blame it on you.) By submitting this form, you are attesting under penalty of law that all information included in this application is accurate and truthful. Submitting erroneous information could result in a fine and/or imprisonment. (It won’t be one of those tennis playing prisons, either.) Please check the box below to indicate that you understand and agree with these terms.

[] I agree           []  I do not agree

After you have reviewed your information and determined it to be correct, (You can’t fool us. We’ll know if it’s correct or not.) click SUBMIT. (It is now on your PERMANENT  RECORD.)

We suggest you print a copy of your successful submission receipt. It is recommended that you download a PDF of your application as it is the only way you will ever be able to reference it ever again, but it will in no way help you if your records do not match ours.

For more detailed instructions see Instructions for Form 8NT-NO-WAY at or by calling 1-800-CON-FUSE.


3 responses »

  1. I now have hives. Thank you for that. I haven’t even begun putting numbers together for our small business, let alone reading instructions on the paperly-reduced tax forms. And I have hives. I think I’ll quit before I begin.

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