Oprah swore by them. In fact, every woman that had been a guest on Oprah swore by them. Not that Birdie subscribed to Oprah-osophy, but she was curious to find out if what everyone said was true. Exercise wasn’t getting it done for Birdie, and neither was dieting. Of course, Dr. Oz and all the other “experts” said you had to make a lifestyle change, and Birdie couldn’t think of a bigger lifestyle change than this one. After years of letting it all just bulge, bubble, and sag, she was planning to corral her body of clay into an undergarment that was touted to banish all bulges and present a smooth, flawless figure to the unsuspecting world.
Birdie enlisted her friend Kelly to go with her to try on some Spanx. It would have been unadvisable to go alone. Maybe even dangerous. Birdie recalled the time she had been shopping for bras and had gotten entangled with a sports bra and couldn’t get it off.The panic had been frightening. She wasn’t flexible enough to perform the contortions needed to extricate herself, and it was only through prayer and possibly blacking out for a short time that she had found herself rid of the elastic bands of horror.
In order to cover all her bases, so to speak, Birdie chose a pair of Spanx that started just below the bosom and went all the way to the tops of the knees. She took them out of the box and marveled at the light weight fabric. It was nothing like the industrial strength material she had been expecting, but one thing had her worried. The width of the garment was only a fraction of her width. She checked the box again and sure enough, the chart where her weight and height intersected, advised that she wear the size she had selected. Birdie hoped that this foundation garment was going to wrangle her wayward bulk into a disciplined form. Where it was going to put all the unhampered flesh that was now lolling about on the periphery of her present under-garments was a mystery, but she had confidence in the miracle of science.
Birdie put in first one foot and then the other, and began pulling up the Spanx. Everything was going fine except for the light headed-ness caused by having to breathe while leaning over her belly. Then came the first roadblock. She got the Spanx as far as her knees, and she started to suspect that there might not be enough expansion left in the Lycra to go any farther. Her knees had never been so close together. With Kelly spotting her like a gymnastics coach, Birdie managed to pull the Spanx up over her thighs, hips, and both bellies. (The one below her belly button and the one above.)
After fanning herself with the package to relieve an exertion-induced hot flash, Birdie looked at herself in the mirror. The garment wasn’t uncomfortable. She could breathe. Nothing was escaping. Everything was smooth. So she put on her clothes to see how the world would view her. No lumps or bumps, but she still looked thick and chunky. She had been hoping for svelte and willowy. The return wasn’t worth the investment. And the sweat equity? If Birdie wanted that much exercise, she’d –well, she’d exercise.
And what if she had to go to the restroom? Birdie examined the garment to see if the designer had taken that into consideration. Sure enough, there was a pee hole in the crotch. That is, if you could manage to pee into a thimble. A hole about the size of a quarter was the concession to bathroom breaks. It made you wonder what kind of bladder Oprah had.