SPANX

Oprah swore by them. In fact, every woman that had been a guest on Oprah swore by them. Not that Birdie subscribed to Oprah-osophy, but she was curious to find out if what everyone said was true. Exercise wasn’t getting it done for Birdie, and neither was dieting. Of course, Dr. Oz and all the other “experts” said you had to make a lifestyle change, and Birdie couldn’t think of a bigger lifestyle change than this one. After years of letting it all just bulge, bubble, and sag, she was planning to corral her body of clay into an undergarment that was touted to banish all bulges and present a smooth, flawless figure to the unsuspecting world.

Birdie enlisted her friend Kelly to go with her to try on some Spanx. It would have been unadvisable to go alone. Maybe even dangerous. Birdie recalled the time she had been shopping for bras and had gotten entangled with a sports bra and couldn’t get it off.The panic had been frightening. She wasn’t flexible enough to perform the contortions needed to extricate herself, and it was only through prayer and possibly blacking out for a short time that she had found herself rid of the elastic bands of horror.

In order to cover all her bases, so to speak, Birdie chose a pair of Spanx that started just below the bosom and went all the way to the tops of the knees. She took them out of the box and marveled at the light weight fabric. It was nothing like the industrial strength material she had been expecting, but one thing had her worried. The width of the garment was only a fraction of her width. She checked the box again and sure enough, the chart where her weight and height intersected, advised that she wear the size she had selected. Birdie hoped that this foundation garment was going to wrangle her wayward bulk into a disciplined form. Where it was going to put all the unhampered flesh that was now lolling about on the periphery of her present under-garments was a mystery, but she had confidence in the miracle of science.

Birdie put in first one foot and then the other, and began pulling up the Spanx. Everything was going fine except for the light headed-ness caused by having to breathe while leaning over her belly. Then came the first roadblock. She got the Spanx as far as her knees, and she started to suspect that there might not be enough expansion left in the Lycra to go any farther. Her knees had never been so close together. With Kelly spotting her like a gymnastics coach, Birdie managed to pull the Spanx up over her thighs, hips, and both bellies. (The one below her belly button and the one above.)

After fanning herself with the package to relieve an exertion-induced hot flash, Birdie looked at herself in the mirror. The garment wasn’t uncomfortable. She could breathe. Nothing was escaping. Everything was smooth. So she put on her clothes to see how the world would view her. No lumps or bumps, but she still looked thick and chunky. She had been hoping for svelte and willowy. The return wasn’t worth the investment. And the sweat equity? If Birdie wanted that much exercise, she’d –well, she’d exercise.

And what if she had to go to the restroom? Birdie examined the garment to see if the designer had taken that into consideration. Sure enough, there was a pee hole in the crotch. That is, if you could manage to pee into a thimble. A hole about the size of a quarter was the concession to bathroom breaks. It made you wonder what kind of bladder Oprah had.

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32 responses »

  1. well Birdie, I have three different kinds of these wonderful body shapers in my drawer and none allow me enough time to get unsnapped ,pulled down , or pealed off if you get my drift.

  2. I have a friend who swears by Spanx. I haven’t tried them because I think I would swear squeezing into them.

    P.S. I got stuck in a tankini swimsuit, so I can relate to the panic of being held hostage by a garment. I may have blacked out, too 🙂

  3. I have never tried Spanx. But I have tried swimming suits. Nothing was smoothed or flattened, including the belly below the navel, the belly above then navel, which you mentioned–but also the belly that I think used to be my bust. Everything was flopping and waving. Do they invent a Spanx bathing suit?

    Hilarious tale, and whether it’s Spanx, swimwear, a pair of jeans or underwear, I think most of us can relate.

  4. I also have 3 different kids of Spanx-like undergarments. First one goes on is the one that you tried on from under bosom to my knees. Then I have a “shirt” that goes on that’s got a cut out for my bra, so that it doesnt’ flatten my little chest. Then I have the waist to knee that goes on to keep the shirt smoothed down. I love them. Keeps by bulges not quite so bulged. I’m not a heavy woman, but after 4 pregnancies, my belly is a saggy mess. So the Spanx keeps it all smoothed out.
    Loved your story! Funny!

    • Thanks a lot. I must admit I have come to the place where I am torn between looking good and feeling comfortable and relaxed. Comfortable and relaxed usually win.

      • No kidding. When I wear them, I wear them when I go somewhere with people I know, which is about a couple times a week. I’m starting to be more comfortable with my natural shape and also am trying to exercise and eat right so that I dont’ need to wear them as often. But they do slim well and sometimes, if it’s a very form fitting outfit, they should still be worn to add a layer so as not to show every curve and dimple.

  5. I went to try on a pair of Spanx and the very young sales girl who convinced me to try a different pair that wouldn’t roll down. I gave up when I couldn’t get it past my knees. Hilarious post!

  6. I have long vowed that I’d buy Spanx to wear when my son gets married. Your post may have saved me a lot of trouble. Not that my son shows any signs of planning to get married …

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